Amazing facts about Chuck Norris (leider auf englisch)

Dieses Thema Amazing facts about Chuck Norris (leider auf englisch) im Forum "Windows XP Forum" wurde erstellt von Michael_B, 3. Feb. 2006.

Thema: Amazing facts about Chuck Norris (leider auf englisch) If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, Two seconds till. After you ask, Two seconds to what? he...

  1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, Two seconds till. After you ask, Two seconds to what? he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

    Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

    Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to *beep*

    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

    There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

    In the movie Back to the Future they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later they discovered is the cause of Parkinson's disease.

    Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

    Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

    Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the *beep* down!

    There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

    Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

    In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

    Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

    Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

    When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris! Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

    It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

    Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's *beep*

    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

    When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

    Top Thirty Facts About Chuck Norris You Never Knew-

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is Charles. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

    Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

    The original theme song to the Transformers was actually Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise, and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

    Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of beard. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

    When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

    Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS! and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, Don't **** with Chuck! Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

    Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, Bang!

    Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying booya.

    To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

    Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

    When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, Don't worry about it honey, and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, Never question Chuck Norris.

    Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won. 99 7.58
    Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, That's impossible, I already lost my virginity., then you are dead wrong.

    Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

    Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can accidentally beat the **** out of little kids.

    Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

    Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from Walker: Texas Ranger and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

    In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

    Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, I'll give you something to cry about, and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

    Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is his way.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

    Whenever Chuck Norris makes a joke, the sound of an audience laughing comes out of nowhere. Chuck will then turn to you, smile, and give you two thumbs up. After that, everything freezes, even you are unable to move. The laughter then turns into music as credits begin to scroll down from thin air. Finally, your sight fades to black and there is nothing. When you regain your sight and mobility, Chuck Norris is nowhere to be found.

    Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the blackness out of Michael Jackson. The obsession with young boys came later, as a side effect.

    Chuck Norris once wanted to see what he would look like without a beard. He then split himself into two Chucks. He shaved the new Chuck Norris and called it Vin Diesel.

    Chuck Norris sweats Gatorade.

    The reason emo bands are so emo is because they are being persecuted by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris hates emos.

    Chuck Norris could have been a lumberjack but he was too manly.

    There is a secret plot to clone the greatest Hollywood action movie stars in order to create an unbeatable army. The people behind this plot only need very small samples of DNA to work with. This is why so many action stars have very short haircuts, and some even go to the extent of shaving their heads to prevent the evil fiends from getting such a sample. Chuck Norris is the only one with the balls not only to grow his hair long, but also to cultivate facial hair. When he's feeling particularly cocky, he sends his toenail clippings to the evil syndicate's headquarters with a note: Just try it, bitches, and I'll kick your asses into next Thursday.

    When Chuck Norris says jump, you ask for permission to come down.

    When Chuck Norris found out that he was not included in Mt.Rushmore, he wanted to leave his mark somewhere. He then karate chopped the ground and created the Grand Canyon.

    If Chuck Norris is late, then time better slow the **** down.

    If you go outside today and are not eaten by a dinosaur, you better thank Chuck Norris for killing them.

    The only person who can kill Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris, but if he tried the universe would implode.

    Chuck Norris has only celebrated April Fools Day once. The result was homosexuals.

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

    Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

    A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris! The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
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